Borrowing Calm: The Art of Co-Regulation in Parenting

We all want a calm, happy, content household, with calm, happy, resilient children, but how can we make that a reality when the day to day feels challenging and overwhelming for all?

Image of parent and child with connected nervous systems.

What is Emotional Regulation?

Emotional regulation (ER) is the ability to manage our internal state, that means thoughts, emotions, and physiological responses.

As a child, ER is developed through co-regulation with safe adults.  But what happens if we didn’t have a safe adult to co-regulate with? 

You may find yourself re-parenting yourself whilst parenting your own children.

Children can’t self-regulate without adult support — they borrow our nervous system.  If your nervous system is stuck in a stress state, chances are you’re not able to effectively coregulate with your child which may lead to regular ruptures in connection.

Co-regulation is the process where one nervous system helps another to feel safe, calm, and connected. It’s how babies learn to soothe from caregivers — and it’s just as important for older children, especially those who’ve experienced stress or trauma.

Why is ER important?

Regulation comes before connection, learning, listening, or behavioural change.  In order to create change, we have to recognise our own abilities or, inability as it may be, to regulate.

Through NVR (non-violent resistance) we help parents to understand that it’s not about controlling your child’s behaviour, it’s about managing your own nervous system so your child can borrow your calm.  This takes work, it involves monitoring your tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, increasing parental presence and ensuring your own needs are being taken care of. 

Extra Support for Families and I have written the Connective Family NVR training course to help parents to begin to become more self-aware about their own ER and promote connection as a way of creating changes.

Children don’t say, ‘I’m feeling dysregulated.’

They show us with behaviour - this might be with meltdowns, shutdowns, or challenging behaviours. 

Ultimately, they are actively seeking  safety and connection – as human beings we are all seeking safety and connection.

When it feels like you can’t give anymore, that is when co-regulation and connection is needed the most.

If you would like to know more about NVR or Connective Families please get in touch.